You attract the wrong men. The wrong ones always seem to be the ones interested in you and even…perhaps YOU are attracted TO the wrong ones. In (I ATTRACT THE WRONG MEN PT 1) of this series, I explained some reasons why you may seem to be attracting the wrong ones. It’s a must read. I suggest you start there.
After reading Part 1, it’s likely that the most pressing questions on your mind are:
- “If I might be attracting the right men, WHY CANT I SEE THEM?
- “If it’s true that I attract the wrong men and I am the problem, how so?
Disclaimer: it’s important to say to my sisters that the reasons below are not “the reasons why you are single.” It’s important to say that that there isn’t anything wrong with being single at all. This also isn’t about solving the problem of being approached by immature men who don’t have their act together because I know that, no matter how graceful you are, some men just don’t deserve the time of day. I get that. This is just a perspective that may help you on that journey of finding Mr. Right. This is about why you may be missing out on the good men you ARE attracting. Not all the points may apply to you. I think the best way to read this is to simply be open minded, and see if any of the points apply to you. If so, make the necessary adjustments.
Ok! So here are 6 reasons/perspectives that may help you understand why you can’t see the good men you are attracting.
1. You have gotten good at noticing the wrong men
I understand. You’ve been approached by the wrong men so many times that you can spot them from the corner of the room…from a mile away. You know who they are before they take a single step toward you. I get it. What I do also know from my study of how our mind works, is that our minds don’t do well at taking negative instructions. Don’t believe me? OK. Pick a color in your mind right now….and then look up where you are right now and tell yourself to NOT look for that color. Go ahead. Try it…
What’s the first shade of color you notice? Yes….that color! Your mind doesn’t do well with negative instructions…so when you enter that room and you say to yourself….DONT pay attention to “that type of person.” Guess what? It’s likely that you WILL notice that type of person all evening long!
What you SHOULD do is give your mind positive instructions. In other words, instead of telling it what not to look for, tell it what to look for.
You are trying so hard to avoid what you don’t want, that you don’t attract what you DO want and even when you do, you don’t see them.
2. You evaluate men instantly on Dateability
He is walking up to you at the party…or he says hello from across the room at the event, or happens to be the one next to you at Bible Study, and INSTANTLY, you have evaluated him on dateability.
Now…this dateability test…it’s so quick…so fast and completely unconscious. Ladies you know what I’m talking about…how you can evaluate a guy in 0.000000000012 seconds.
I understand that it is a primal thing. It’s a self-preservation strategy you’re wired with. I get it… I’m just saying it doesn’t have to be the foot you lead with.
Let me expand on this. Walk with me here…let’s use an equation format to break this down:
a) You are looking for ONE good man (therefore) - BY DEFAULT most men won’t make the cut and that can result in (=) The feeling of “I attract a lot of wrong men”
b) You meet men and instantly run the dateability test – by default most men (even good ones) won’t make the cut as you look around and that can result in (=) the feeling of “I attract a lot of wrong men.”
c) However if you don’t prejudge on dateability (+) and are more open in engaging with generally good character for the moment (e.g courteous, friendly, cordial, polite), (then) (+) MORE men will make the cut and that can result in (=) the feeling of “I may not have found the RIGHT one but I meet a lot of GOOD ones.”
3. You know what a good man should look like…but you don’t know what a good man FOR YOU should look like:
You’ve read all the magazines, watched all the romantic movies, read the books and yes listened to other women about what a good man should look like or be like. Nothing is really wrong with that…it’s just that when you get out there, those “impressions” don’t do you any good unless you customize those definitions for yourself.
Think about your “list” or better yet, look at it. Many ladies reading this will realize - as I have taught at many of my seminars - that they are working with what I call a “borrowed list.” A good man is “kind, well-established, funny, confident, fashionable, trustworthy, loves Jesus more than me…and on and on.”
Look at that list. Can you honestly say you understand:
- WHY each trait should be there for YOU;
- WHAT each one actually means FOR/TO YOU and;
- HOW this attribute is important for YOUR life.
Stop working on a borrowed list. You have to customize it. It has to be MEANINGFUL to you. This is where you must put in the work (This applies to men too by the way)
So go back and review your “list” and see if there are CUSTOM ITEMS on that list. If your list is too general, you probably haven’t put enough thought, prayers and self-awareness into forming that list.
So you say you want a man that is funny…but you don’t even know what kind of funny you like. Sarcastic funny like Trevor Noah? Or wild and out there funny like Kevin Hart?
In fact, is “FUN” OR “FUNNY”even anywhere close to the top of your personal value system? Like do you seek out the “funny” in your life? Are YOU even remotely funny? Out of the last ten movies you watched, how many were comedies? Is your life FUN?
Summary of 3 and 4 above: Know what you want but be flexible enough to know that what you want may not look like what you are seeing.
4. Your definitions are all wrong…so you are attracting the wrong men BECAUSE you are attracted TO the wrong men
- You want a confident guy. Great. But truly…deep down, your definition of confident is actually “obnoxious”…so you find yourself noticing obnoxious guys, thinking you are seeing confidence.
- You want a well-spoken guy but your definition of well-spoken is actually “smooth talking.”
- You want a financially stable guy but you evaluate financial stability based on “what he is making or spending on you” not based on “what he is keeping or planning to spend on.”
5. You’re looking for your ENTIRE list on the first encounter
This is fairly straight forward. So yes…you understand what you want and why and all that good stuff. But then you head out into the world and you look for all those things in the first interaction or on the first date. You’re living in a bubble and you’re asking for disappointment. Ladies, character takes time to evaluate by you and it sometimes take time for a man to feel comfortable doing all “that stuff” for you.
If you are doing this, then it is quite possible, that the problem isn’t that you are attracting the wrong men. The problem may be that you are trying to check off your “list” on the first date/encounter and since that is impossible, most men will fail that test and that will leave you feeling that you attract a lot of wrong men when in actuality, you were just not patient enough to evaluate the real character.
I am not saying that you don’t deserve the best of a man’s character and all that. Things like that should be consistent. What I AM saying is that even good men may be more focused on knowing you than on impressing you.
This is so important for ladies to know (especially ladies in the church). Look….just like ladies are taught to not just go on every date and with every Tom, Dick and Harry, many men in the church are also being conscious of how they pursue. Even the ones with the best intentions who are trying to hear from God may miss the mark sometimes. They don’t want to be crucified by the sisters as the King of the
Jews Serial Daters.
Imagine Wale feeling like the Lord is leading him towards Michelle. He does some praying as best as he can and asks her to hang out. He then pulls out all the stops. Best restaurant in town, front row seats at the concert and all that….then realizes later that perhaps Michelle wasn’t the one. How would it make Wale look if sometime in the future, he meets someone else in church? The looks? The crucifixion by Michelle’s friends, the juiciness of that gossip…so in an attempt to preserve his honor and not be labeled a serial dater or player in the church, he might keep it simple at first and that needs to be ok with you. (In fact, that’s why many brothers date outside the church.)
6. You’re UNCONSCIOUSLY looking for the Ex that got away
You were in love. It was deep. You thought it would end in a white dress, but it didn’t. For some reason or the other, it didn’t work out. You broke up with him in your “princess” years… or he broke up with you because he didn’t think you were for him. You loved him and he got away.
If that is you reading this, I am so sorry you are going through that. I know it’s not easy but I need to tell you that you should be careful to make sure that you’re not out there in the dating world looking for his replica or replacement. I know what is happening. You are trying to replicate the feeling you had with him. You felt connected…comfortable being vulnerable to him. You felt like forever. He was your first…whatever. I get it. But if you do this…most men you meet will look like the wrong men…BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT HIM.
Here are a few things to remember:
a) You are probably now different from the person you were when you were with him. You are older now with other needs that even he may not have been suited to meet. Not only that, but you are asking someone to love you like the OLD version of you needed to be loved. You are different now and so are your needs. Start from: “what does the new/current me need?”
b) Just because he got away does not mean that he was indeed for you. He may have been what you wanted, but not what you NEEDED.
c) You blame yourself for the breakup. DON’T. If you broke up with someone, you made the best decision that you could with the information you had. Let it go. You have a right to do that.
d) If you don’t take time to heal…to find closure…if you keep looking for him, you will put pressure on every new man, to be who they are not. You meet Nick and emotionally demand him to be like your Ex John. You set that relationship up for failure.
e) God does not rob Peter to pay Paul. If you are looking to God for that bone of your bone, please understand that he won’t take YOUR husband and give him to someone else and say “Hey girl, I gotchu next time.” No. He has your back and is writing a beautiful script with you as a main character.
Again, not all these points will apply to you. Simply take the ones that do and perhaps see where you can make adjustments. Just remember that those good men are out there…and they may just be looking at you right now. I pray that through all this, the peace of God will guard your heart and the wisdom of Christ will guide you through.
Tobi Atte is a certified Neuro Linguistic Programming Practitioner, motivational speaker and the writer behind IJustMetMe, a lifestyle website for young adults who need a good dose of daily inspiration to tackle tough life issues. Tobi is also the author of the new book How to Make Sure Your Values are Aligned: A Guide to Avoiding Relationship Frustration. For more on relationships, motivation, fresh perspectives on faith, personal improvement and more, read/learn more at www.ijustmetme.com, watch him on YouTube HERE and download his free e-book HERE.