So, Iíve been dumped far more than I want to count and, in my opinion, far more than I should have been. It is discouraging and disillusioning, mostly because I always get very close to the altar. Yet, the m-word seems always to elude me. After a break up and months of hurting and months of healing, I pick up the pieces and begin examining what went wrong. How, when I thought everything was on the right track, was I DEAD wrong? How could moonlight dates, beachside hand-holding, meeting/greeting family and friends, mutual confiding, goal-setting, vision-casting and more turn into those famous last words. ďWeíre just not meant to be togetherĒ or ďYouíre too good for meĒ or ďIím the biggest jerk for cheating on you.Ē
Well, after over 10 years of the same crap, Iíve settled on a concept that will make you as uncomfortable as it did meÖÖMy sexual status is unfavorable.
Yeah, weíve all heard and some have committed to The Wait, The Pinky Promise or the vow to remain celibate until marriage. And, I was one of those. Yep, thatís me. As an expression of my trust and faith in the God who created me for his purposes, I remain abstinent until I find my husband. However, it hasnít been easyÖmainly because most others in the world, Christians included, Iíve now learned, donít live by the same vow.
After my last break-up, I began interviewing guys and girls within the 20-40 age range who are active church-goers and know scriptures like 1 Corinthians 6:18 that encourage us to have sex with our marriage partner alone. But, according to my research and anecdotal evidence, Iím comfortable sharing the figure that 8 out of 10 Christians that fit the aforementioned profile are indeed sexually active. So, yes, most non-religious folk are NOT celibate and also most religious and/or Christian folk are NOT celibate.
So, Iíve figured it out. I am within a minority sub-culture. Thus, here are my 8 reasons that my celibate status turns guys away.
1. Iím a tease
I canít help it. Iím sweet, coquettish and a little flirty. But, it never means what you think it means. I am NOT easy. Some guys love how I laugh at their jokes, stroke their egos and dance the night away in their arms. Yet, they are blithely unaware that it takes worlds more to make it into my bloomers. This never bodes well for me because when I have to stop affectionate moments from becoming super-physical, the bad guys become visibly upset by it and the nice guys erode slowly over time.
2. Iím very uncompromising
I was told by a guy who knows me well that my v-card makes me very uncompromising in most areas of life ó not just sex. Iím an activist, a fist-pumping, stand-up-for-what-I-believe-in kinda girl. I donít quit. I donít lose. I donít die. All I do is win! These are my daily affirmations and it makes me very difficult to contend with, especially if a guy attempts to oppose my beliefs. This characteristic can come off as more than a bit intimidating, I was told.
3. Iím off the beaten path
Iím as weird as they come. Like hippies who live only off of the land, skater dudes who build a half-pipe in their backyard and chicks who refuse to shave their pits, Iím counter-culture and always have been. I have chosen to stick out because of my decision to be celibate and, by virtue of that choice, I do things differently which also influences the way I think about and perceive situations. For example, I once boycotted Disney throughout my middle and high school years because of their lack of vigilance about child protection.
It can be hard to read me and my reactions because Iím not like a good 95 percent of the women they meet. Itís also easy for me to read and call guys out on some of their deeper, hidden tendencies. My mind is clear enough to do it since theyíve not slithered their way in. Pun intended. Itís hard to hide with me.
4. Thereís pressure to marry
Yep, so many guys steer clear of women like me. ďSheís looking for that ring by like next month,Ē they say. I applaud men like that. The self-aware type. They know what dating a woman like me will mean. Yes, itís true. Dating me must end up in marriage because it wonít end up in a one-night stand, will it? Thereís no hot, passionate sex to cool your burning passions. Thereís no lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets waiting for you when you get home. Thereís just a woman who seeks to love you enough to pledge her life to you, in sickness and in health.
5. Iím a crap shoot
I was actually told once that ďI never asked God for a virgin.Ē Yep. Virgins donít know anything. True. But, virgins can end up being the biggest freaks. The crap shoot saysÖyou have to wait to find out. Scary, I know. Iíve been asked many times about what I know sexually and how I
can be sure if my sex life will be satisfying. The answer is, I donít know. Part of me believes that a man wants to feel like heís the ďbest you ever had.Ē Thereís this competition that he wants to win and, in my book, there are no other competitors. So, it sort of deflates the manís ego. If it consoles him in any way, Iíve been known to say that I do plan to go the extra mile to make my husband happy sexually. The marriage bed is undefiled, so letís get it.
6. Itís so much more than they bargained for
I donít think the guys who do agree to date a woman who is celibate are fully knowledgeable of the lifestyle chance or lifestyle maintenance that is required. So, when you become enamored by my spunk and charm and refreshing
nature, but then figure out a year later that being with a girl who doesnít give you sex makes the hard days even harder. Pun intended.
7. I need to sweeten the pot
One of my guy friends whoís been married for a while told me that I need to re-evaluate what I bring to the table. Another one told me that a guy is always looking for a pretty face, a nice body and a girl whoís in good in bed. But, what I have only two out of three? That means that I have been weighed, measured and have been found wanting. So, instead of blowing up and going on about how shallow this culture of men are and that they donít know what a REAL woman is, I must do one thing ó sweeten the pot. I have to make sex look simply like the cherry on top of all the other good stuff I bring to the table.
For example, rather than sex, maybe itís cooking his favorites on a weekly basis, buying him a few new pieces for his wardrobe that heís been wanting, surprising him with tickets to Comic Con or working with him on the business heís been wanting to start for years. Literally, creating no other options for him besides, ďDang, Iíve gotta marry this girl.Ē
8. It brings out the worst in them
This is the worst reason of all. But, Iíve seen how the lack of exposure to sex for a prolonged period of time makes a really great guy turn into your worst nightmare. Iíve seen it all. They either a) cheat b) distance themselves from you to start entertaining other women c) lash out at
you for no apparent reason d) behave in a violent manner toward you d) perform emotional/relational suicide e) perform some wicked act or wrong against you that forces you to leave or confront them about how the wicked act was inconsistent with their character.
All in all, it doesnít turn out well for you. Number 8 breaks your heart. So that history does not repeat itself, limit the length of time in a courtship period. Abstinence between two people who love one another is meant
only for a short while, not years.
Tiffani Knowles is the managing editor and founder of NEWD Magazine. Her hope is to become as "newd" as possible on a daily by embracing truth, authenticity and socio-spiritual awareness. She is bi-vocational as she is the owner of two businesses and a professor of Communication at Barry University in Miami, Florida. She is also the co-author of HOLA America: Guts, Grit, Grind and Further Traits in the Successful American Immigrant.